The Hymen and the Virginity Stigma

My post this week was originally going to be about menstrual products - pads, tampons, etc - and their pros and cons and use, but that's going to get pushed back a week because I received a comment on the hymen post that really made my blood boil.  Someone who I really really hope was a spambot left a link to a website selling a "virginity restoration kit," claiming to repair the hymen and restore a woman's virginity so that her "shameful little secret" wouldn't come to light on her wedding night (I've since deleted the comment).

There is so much wrong with this product that I hardly know where to begin.

First of all, I'm picturing something like a bicycle tire repair kit - superglue and patches of vinyl... Which is ridiculous because, as we discussed, the hymen isn't a wall of tissue. It's a stretchy corona of mucus tissue.  The hymen doesn't pop like a punctured tire, letting all that precious virginity leak out.  It gets slowly eroded away through hormone exposure and the movement of daily life, like a cliff on the sea getting worn away by waves.  Inexorable, gradual, and irreversible.

There are definitely surgeons out there who are willing to do a "hymen repair surgery," which involves stitching worn sections of the hymen back together. The thing is, most of these surgeons will readily admit that the stitches fall out, often before the patient even gets to the parking lot because it's "like stitching through butter."  Most women who choose to have such a procedure do so because of religious or societal pressure to prove virginity by bleeding on the wedding night, something that only occurs in less than half of women during their first penetrative sex anyway.

Second of all, the hymen has absolutely nothing to do with virginity.  There is no way to look at woman's hymen and tell whether or not she has had penetrative sex, because again, THE HYMEN DOESN'T POP OR TEAR.  It's not like the safety seal on jar, with the little button that pops up to let you know it's been opened before.

And that's of course assuming an extremely heteronormative view of virginity - that is, one which regards male-and-female penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex as the only type of "real" sex.  What about oral sex? Anal sex? Gay and lesbian sex? Is a lesbian woman who has only ever engaged in sexual acts with women considered a virgin her entire life?  According to the definitions of this "virginity restoration kit", you could have anal sex with a hundred different partners, and engage is lesbian sex morning til night, and you'd still be a virgin.

Does that sound logical to you?  Maybe it does. I went to a Catholic high school, where peers drew very very fine distinctions between what was and what was not sex.  When we discussed anal sex in health class, some people said it was okay because "you're still a virgin."  Same with oral.  Isn't that the distinction that President Clinton made? Oral doesn't count? Well then what does count?  How can you define virginity so narrowly when the definition of sex can vary from person to person?

And what about non-consensual sex? If a girl's first experience with genital sex is rape, should she be shamed about not "being a virgin" any more?  Goddamn, that is some victim-blaming nonsense right there.

Thirdly, where is the male virginity restoration kit?  Shouldn't he be a virgin on the wedding night, too? We hear all this preaching about female virginity and "popping the cherry" (an incredibly misleading euphemism in itself) but where's the male equivalent?  Maybe we should come up with one right now, one that carries the same connotations of something irrevocably lost or broken.  Leave 'em in the comments.

And finally, all of this assumes that having premarital PIV sex is something horrible and shameful, enough that you should drop $29.99 + shipping and handling to shove some make believe up your hooha to keep your new hubby and his family from freaking out.  I have three words for you:

Sex.
Is.
Awesome.

Sex can be fun and hot and random, and it can be sweet and tender and beautiful, it can be rough or silly or awkward or mind-blowing or mediocre. It can be with a guy or a girl, or with multiple people.  It can be with someone you just met or someone you've known for years.  Sex can be vaginal or anal or oral or with fingers or toes or toys.  It can be kinky or vanilla. It can cause bone-shaking orgasm or just be kind of "meh." But there is one thing sex definitely is not, and that's shameful.

Virginity isn't physical, and it's nothing that can be proven by looking at party parts.  Virginity is a state of mind.

Girls ask things like, "If I use a tampon, am I still a virgin?" Well... have you engaged in any physical activity that you regard as sex? If not, then you're a virgin, regardless of what cotton contraption you use to stem the crimson tide.

They ask, "My boyfriend went down on me, am I still a virgin?" Well, do you consider oral sex to be virginity-losing sex? It's all up to you. If you decide that having oral sex means you're still a virgin, then guess what? You are.  Because everyone's definition of "real sex" is different, everyone's definition of virginity is different. Rather than saying you're a virgin or not, be honest with yourself and your partners about your sexual history.  Instead of, "I'm a virgin," say "I've never engaged in PIV sex" or "I've received oral sex but never given it" or whatever list of activities you have or haven't tried.

They ask, "My first time was disappointing, or I was raped, can I be a virgin again and have a do-over?" You can have as many do-overs as you like.  People make a huge deal about a girl losing her virginity, but all it means is that you've had a physical experience you've never had before.  No one talks about "losing your push-up virginity" the first time you do a push-up, or "popping your car cherry" the first time you drive a car. Nothing is lost or broken or destroyed, it's just different.

Ugh. My fingers are getting tired.  I'd like to talk about the whole societal and historical context for virginity, but that's going to have to wait for another day.  Perhaps a mid- or early-week post.  Goddamn spam bots, getting me all riled up.  I need a cocktail and some knitting, and it's not even one in the afternoon here.  For more on defining virginity, check out this awesome Scarleteen article, "Three on Virginity."